Waiting Up

Just waiting for Byron to return from the El Rey down in LA where he went to collect Trevor, Colin, Becca and MacKenzie. They saw Brett Dennen tonight, which I'm sure was very cool.

Heather is fast asleep on Byron's side of the bed and I'm going to have to move her. She's too big for me to be carrying around anymore, but I still do it.

I should move her and then get into bed but instead I sit here like a dummie wasting sleep time because I hate going to bed without Byron. I'm answering emails and writing nonsense posts when I should be doing something really useful like tucking myself in.

I'm pathetic! I don't mind saying it :-)

"I'm feelin' betta..."

Here's my update on how I'm doing avoiding meltdown.

We are maneuvering our way toward yet another family move across the globe (See my 3 recent posts before Jesse's birthday) so I'm trying to hold onto some scraps of sanity.

On my list of things to do to help in this process, I have

1. Not been much better about going walking

2. Nor have I eaten any fair trade chocolate

3. I have had tea in the morning sun with Byron

4. And we have spoken with God about the things we are stressed about

5. I've had lunch with Lori (and Jenelle!)

6. And napped to Brian Houston's 35 Summers

7. I've prepared gifts for people I love

8. And called Tanya

9. I have not danced with Heather (who is white and weak with stomach flu today)

10. But I have asked Jesus to hold my hand and help me through this move to Africa

Bonus item: I've also made some major headway on booking our complicated tickets so there does seem to be light somewhere ahead :-)

One of these days we will land in Tanzania, a family with bewildered expression and the bedraggled look of those who have been in transition for long and anticipate it going on for longer still. We will not really know how we got there but we will realize that God and some very big-hearted friends helped us a great deal along the way.

We are getting there "slowly by slowly" as my Kenyan friends used to say.

I need to stop by for some of that fair trade chocolate and celebrate a little.

20 Today!

Jesse is 20 today!

In this photo Africa Boy is about three and a half :-)

Happy Birthday Jesse-lai!

We love you soooooooooooooo much!

Shopping Toward Departure

6 weeks till departure and I'm going over my lists. I spent the entire morning compiling vaccination records into one spreadsheet. We have little scraps of paper from all over the world telling us who got jabbed with what when. Now I need to focus on school stuff for Colin and Heather.

Byron's list is totally different. It's all heavy metal. It stresses him out to spend the money but, actually, that's what the money was given for. He does this weird breathing thing as we drive around on errands. It's like a big sigh every couple of minutes. "Stop it with the heavy sighs!" I said to him. "You're wearing me out listening to you!"

But truthfully, I wouldn't want his job. He bought the winch for the car today. I teased him later, "I can't believe you didn't get my in-put on which one to buy!" So he pointed to his computer screen and asked if I could help him choose an inverter for the house. He got a high-lift jack today as well. And a snatch block. I know what a high-lift jack is. I have no idea what a snatch-block is.

He took much longer than I expected on his final errands of the day and his phone didn't seem to be getting a signal so I couldn't reach him. I started to really wonder where he was. Then I started to worry. Then I started to wait for the police to show up at the door. As I waited for the bad news, I tried to figure out where the kids and I were going to live now that we were Byron-less. I wondered what this was going to do to Jesse's 20th birthday celebration tomorrow. What a bad way to turn 20.

But then Byron turned up with all his heavy gear in tow and my worries floated away. I guess I got over it quickly cuz I didn't even help him heat up his dinner. I just left him to it. (Of course I WAS helping Colin and Heather with home work issues by then.)

Tomorrow we'll take a break from preparations and go up to Santa Barbara to see Jesse on his 20th. That will be good.

And we still have Byron with us! Hurrah!

How to Avoid Meltdown

Ok, so here's my list of things to do to avert future meltdowns:

1. Go walking even when I don't think I have time

2. Eat some fair trade chocolate

3. Take a tray of tea out into the morning sun with Byron

4. While enjoying the morning sun, speak to God about the things we're stressed about

5. Have lunch with Lori (someone who knows about every boy I've ever kissed and every other secret from age 11-21)

6. Put on Brian Houton's 35 Summers album and take a nap to it

7. Prepare a gift for someone I love

8. Call Tanya

9. Dance with Heather

10. Ask Jesus to hold my hand and walk me through this move to Africa

No More Thinking Please

I'm so tired I'm numb all over. I want to get into bed. I don't want to have to THINK about anything... at least for a while.

I can't work out how to book six tickets to Kilimanjaro Airport. Several of us are traveling on different dates. Some return. Some return only as far as London and then need another ticket back to Tanzania. Should we go through Nairobi or Dar? Is the customs in Kenya worth the hassle in order to land there and shuttle down on the bus? Would be more efficient though longer to go through Dar?

Where is Trevor going for college? That depends on what is best for who he is. What IS best for who he is?

Can he get to Tanzania early, like he would like to? It would be so cool. But what about Colin back here? Colin kind of needs Trevor around. Brothers are important and he'll be gone soon enough without leaving any earlier than he has to. On the other hand, Colin will live if Trevor does travel early.

Is this container thing really going to work out? Is it better to air freight the motorcycles?

How many motorcycles have we shipped to Africa in the past, anyway? Why do the shipping companies sound like they know less than we do?

What can I expect? Am I behaving in an "entitled" way when I think it would be nice to be able to afford to bring my college-aged kids back to Africa a couple of times?

How do we get everything done we need to before flying?

Does the dog need more shots? I know WE need more shots. Where are our immunization records?

What else will Colin and Heather need for home school next year?

Do I have to do what people expect of me?

What if I start yelling?

Can I go to bed now?

Helping Trevor Become Trevor

Trevor is 17 and finishing up his senior year of high school.

Trevor is a great guy. Even so, Trevor is not yet fully himself. I want Trevor to keep becoming Trevor.

Trevor is Trevor today and he was Trevor yesterday and he will be Trevor tomorrow. But I know that as God made Trevor, he was dreaming of a fully loaded technicolor version that none of us have seen yet.

My job, as Trevor's mom, is to help Trevor become himself.

I don't know the inside track to this. I don't know, as we look together at the university options before him, which place is really going to be the best place for who he is and who he is becoming. I have some ideas. I have some inklings. I have some intuitions.

But they could be wrong and anyway, it is not my place to tell Trevor where to go for his degree.

It's my job to help Trevor find his way.

Father, you were dreaming Trevor dreams as you created him in the depths of me. I think you were smiling and laughing as you thought about the boy/ man you were fashioning. You saw him in your mind's eye, fully formed, fully himself, reflecting you in the way that only he could.

Oh dearest Father, would you please guide Trevor into the path that takes him into the fullness of who you dream him to be? Help Byron and me to be midwives in this process. We want to see him birthed into all you have for him.

We are frail and falable. Steady our hands, guard our words, grace our weakness with yourself.

This is your boy. Our delight... but your son.

TaaaaDaaaah!

Jesse launched a site for his drums and other instruments!

Check it out at Jesse Djembes

"Courage, Father, Give Us..."

On this journey I am much encouraged by Dustin Kensrue's song, "Weary Saints". Kensrue, the G.K.Chesterton reading front man of Thrice, has released an acoustic album called Please Come Home.

Many great songs but today I hold onto Weary Saints as one who is weary, though not very saint-like.

Favorite lines...

"For years we've fought the night with pale and ghostly flames. Some still dream of light, say the sun will rise again..."

"Let us not be faithless, you will meet our needs."

"Courage, Father, give us to do what must be done..."

And finally--

"For years you've met our thirst, still deserts we have roamed. But we'll be done with dust and dirt when the ocean calls us home. We'll fall into the arms of a cool and sweet embrace and under stars and waving palms we'll shed our sin like snakes..."

Shed our sin like snakes.... I look forward to that day.

Buy the song on iTunes, please. It's a keeper.

Laundry in the Sun

It's 91 F right now in Pasadena. That's 33 C.

I feel like I should apologize to those who are enduring real winter weather.

The good thing about the heat is that I can put our laundry on the line.

Though I love the way these big gas dryers work so quickly here in the States, I get the most satisfied feeling when I see the laundry drying in the sun.

A Burst of Creative Energy

Jesse arrives at home and suddenly there is creative energy flying in every direction.

He got here on Saturday evening and on Sunday he made four shinai's. A shinai is a big padded sword thing that he uses to fight his sibblings. He's been taking fencing and traditionally a shinai is a bamboo practice sword used in days past by warriors in training. Here at our house the kids just use them to put welts on each other and induce much laughter. The boys have been thwacking each other with gusto. Heather engages for a while and then opts out contentedly.

New Flash: After 20 years of parenting our offspring, I have a deep insight. Listen for it... Boys play differently than girls do! You can thank me later for this wisdom.

Back to Jesse's creative energy--

This morning he finished the rain stick he was working on yesterday evening. It's about four feet long and it has a really nice watery sound.

This afternoon I see him out in the garage cutting plywood for a new cajon (drum.)

The kids have grown up with total access to a shed full of saws, hammers, nails and wood scraps. Jesse gets such a happy feeling out there in the sawdust. It's nice to see and it brings a pleasant vibe to the house.

Remembering Lent (or Fasting and Fried Eggs)

To be very honest, I completely forgot about the Lent season this year. My head is elsewhere, following my heart as it bounces around between continents and tries to make sense of the journey.

Yesterday I was digging out some old essays for a new friend and came across this one. Allow me to share a Lent story from last year...

Fasting and Fried Eggs

So I’m doing this vegan thing as a fast for Lent. I guess that might not sound like much since I’m not a huge meat fan anyway, but I’m really big into cheese….and yoghurt…and butter. I really prefer tea with milk in it….even my Rooibos (Red Bush) tea. And I’m pretty much stuck with Rooibos right now as I’m trying to fast caffeine too.

I’m not a great faster. In fact, I don’t usually do fasting at all, unless it’s just from tea and coffee or something like that. Sometimes I fast from my favorite music, but I try to avoid fasting from food. I use the excuse that I have some kind of over-sensitivity to low blood sugar that makes it not worth my family’s while for me to be going without. I mean, if I put off a meal by ten or fifteen minutes, I’m already shaking. Byron knows when it’s coming on. I get an agitated look in my eyes and a decidedly grumpy tone in my voice. And my mind goes all hazy. We’ll be sitting in the office going over some important thing when it begins to set in.

“I know you’re hungry, Lees,” I hear him say through the gathering darkness,
“Stick with me just a few more minutes here. We’re almost done.”

So fasting is not really my forte. In fact, the only time I’ve ever really crashed the car properly was when I was trying to do a three day fast. Nobody was hurt, though my bank account was injured some.

But I’m doing this vegan thing in an effort to let my cravings rise to the surface in order to prompt me to pray. When I’m making Heather’s sandwich in the morning, slicing through that creamy chunk of good Portuguese cheese, I talk to God about the things I’m craving to see happen. I speak to him as I dollop the yoghurt into her bowl about things I long for.

I don’t know if it’s the fasting, but the other morning I woke up sharply aware of the disappointing shape of my heart. Somehow, as I was coming into full consciousness, I was flooded with grief over the lack of love that I let myself live with.

So I propped myself up on my pillows, longing for a cup of good strong tea with milk, and began reading 1 Corinthians 13. I read it through three times and made some notes about what was standing out to me.

But as I went on into my morning, the sadness of being such a looser when it comes to loving others remained my dominant mood.

And that’s when I started thinking about fried eggs.

Gosh, I love fried eggs! I pretty much love all eggs, but I really have a penchant for perfectly fried eggs. Especially if they have hot peppers sprinkled over them. Oh yea! I’ve got this amazing bread available here that is made of multiple grains. It toasts into these perfect slices of crisp, hot goodness that receive the applied butter perfectly. Then I spoon honey over their beautiful surfaces before dropping one spicy, gorgeously fried egg onto each piece.

Oh, I know. Sweet and savory mixed. My poor English friends would have a fit. They’re so uptight about mixing sweet and savory things! Good grief! Taste this! And get over it.

So I’m thinking about the eggs and I’m starting to crave them. The prayers start up fast and furiously.

But someone is interrupting me. In my bad mood and hungry state, I’m start hearing God say, “Make the eggs.” Of course I doubt that this is Him. I fight back with more prayer. The voice comes more clearly. “Make the eggs.”

Now I start arguing. I’m pretty sure this is my animal products-starved stomach saying to make the eggs, but if it IS God, I still think it’s a dumb idea.

But God insists. “Make the eggs!”

Finally I ask him what on earth he’s doing. Can’t he see I’m trying to fast FOR HIM? Can’t he see I’m denying myself for a noble purpose?

“And can’t you see I’m trying to love you?” God argued back. “I want to love you! I want to give you good gifts! I want you to enjoy my good love, provided in the form of two fried eggs.”

There I was, so keenly aware of my un-loveliness. There I was, so disappointed in my failure to live out the love of God. And there was God, pursuing me with a bouquet of flowers that looked uncommonly like breakfast.

I caved in. The toast popped up all glorious. The butter melted in and the honey glazed over just right. The eggs were exactly the way I like them: hot, covered in black and red peppers, with soft and slightly runny yokes.

I moved outside into the sunshine and ate my eggs. I smiled up at the sky and enjoyed God. In all my ugliness, I felt supremely loved.

Emerging Women

I got home late, late Saturday night from 30 hours with 30 women, most of whom are students at UCLA. The ladies are part of the network of Passion Church and they were together all weekend for a retreat planned by Wonderful Wendy of 24-7prayer. She gathered a team and I was very honored to be on it.

Because Byron is away, I opted to come home last night as I felt my kids needed me at home today. Or maybe I needed them. Or maybe we needed each other :-)

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that God is really moving among women in this generation. I am SO happy about that!

In the last month I have been very privileged to be invited to attend two gatherings for college-aged women. The first one was in Santa Barbara and the second was where in LA. I was asked to be present as a mom-type.

( Am I a mom-type? I think so. I like this catagory and like my holy job of mothering. I like some other things I do too, but this is my favorite work.)

Both gatherings focused on healing and wholeness. Friday night we went straight into it first thing. We literally began by sharing our names and then went around the circle and spoke our memory of the coldest day of our lives. I told them about being molested by a neighbor when I was 8. Women shared things that might register as "less" traumatic, as well as things significantly more so. Not that we can measure trauma, but I think you know what I mean.

Saturday morning Angie Steinke led us through some thoughts about healing and the path through forgiveness that takes us there. Then we spent the whole afternoon in prayer. The six of us "leaders" broke into three pairs and each team spent 30-60 mins with individual girls until each one had been prayed with.

As you can imagine, it was an intense day.

Enter, the men!

The men of Passion Church surprised the women by cooking dinner and bringing it to the venue where we were gathered. The meal concluded with fresh strawberries and bananas and chocolate fondue to dip them in!

After time in worship, the men began praying wonderful prayers of release, wholeness, empowerment, fulfillment and fullness over the women. They prayed that these women would be CEO's and leaders all over the world, that they would be free from cultural bondages, that they would be released from strongholds and wounds, that they would be all that God dreams they can be.

Finally, the men produced a big box of individually wrapped white roses, each one labeled with a woman's name and signed with love.

(BTW, while the gathering in SB was just a one evening deal, it was also amazing and the men there were also incredibly supportive of the women. They didn't make an appearance but they gave their support in other ways.)

Honestly, I am still smiling about the time this weekend. Though I ducked out early and missed today's session teaching the women how to spread the healing, I gained so much by just getting to witness what God is doing and offer my prayers as some sort of partnering in that.

Once again I fall in love with this beautiful generation.

I am blessed to be allowed in to hear their stories of terrible pain.

I am rocked completely to watch the Lord move in healing among them.

Why I Love the Mennonites (or When Did Fair Trade Become Sexy?)

I was in Ten Thousand Villages yesterday. I've been in there quite a lot in the last few months because it's a place where I feel good about where the money goes for the gifts I buy for other people. And the things are lovely.

The lady behind the counter said Ten Thousand Villages is associated with the Mennonites. "Yes, I know," I said. "I love the Mennonites. They've been involved in fair trade and justice issues since WAY before it was hip."

I really am glad that people are getting into this stuff, but sometimes I get a little tired of the talk.

My friends Tamara, Shelby and Steve don't just talk. They do. Check them out at Anti-Body (anti-poverty, beautiful body.) Find out who they are and watch the little clip under "About Us." It's good stuff.

Wish I could put my finger on it...

I don't want to put on fair trade and justice issues like a change of clothes. I don't want to care for Creation just because it's hot to do so.

I so admire my Mennonite friends and my Anti-Body friends. They just do it.

Jesse was here....

this is not mama lisa...
rather this is jesse.
i have just realized that you (mom) left
yourself logged into your blog on my computer yesterday and i can access it today!
so how can i miss this chance to leave a note?
bit cheeky i supose,
but i love you mom!
:-P :-)
Jesse
PS: feel free to delete it...