Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Feelings Unplugged


I'm finding myself a little reticent to write posts these days. A landslide has begun here.

I cling to Barbara on the curb by the train station as she begins her three month sojourn. I have no idea when I will ever see her again. When she gets back to Portugal, I will be in the States. From there, I will head to Tanzania.

The lump in my throat feels like a grapefruit. The tears are hot on my face.

I told Barbara on the night before that I don't know anyone in whom Jesus seems to reside so comfortably. He seems so at home in B. She is so hospitable to him. But just like in Narnia ("Once a king or queen in Narnia, always a king or queen in Narnia) I figure "Once a Borden, always a Borden." Baba has become a permanent member of our family.

Still I have no idea when I will see her again.

I pull away and pick up Heather, who is sobbing beside me. We climb into the car and sit there, waving until she disappears into the cavernous station.

The landslide of emotions has begun as goodbyes gain momentum. I want to put up barriers around my heart to keep it from being crushed under the weight of what is passing over it.

But my little fences would be foolish.

I question God. "Aren't we supposed to love deeply? Then why do you ask us to part? What's wrong with you?"

I am sometimes called upon to teach on coping with this life of following God all over the world. I always speak about the difficult but better choice to live with open hearts and to love the people God brings into our lives, rather than to protect ourselves from the cycle of separation and loss by keeping folks at a distance.

"And love is not the easy thing/the only baggage you can bring is all that you can't leave behind."

I can't leave Baba behind. And so I won't. Yes, we physically part. But our fragile human hearts are permanently intertwined.

Still, it feels like someone just tore out a great chunk of mine.

Strength for the journey. That's what I need.

6 comments:

Brian Heasley said...

Strange, this post brought a lump to my throat. I don't know about this goodbye stuff it hurts. Got a worship song in the background the refrain is "so hold me"

Lisa and fam thats my prayer, that he holds you.

peace and love

Brain.

P.S. the boys get their looks from me!!!!

jenelle said...

oh lisa, please write us all a book on how to say goodbye. you articulate what it feels like so well. I love you.

with love from san vincenzo, italia
heading to pray in the vatican tomorrow!

Shelley said...

Your words brought tears. I am praying for you. Hugs, Shelley

lisa said...

thanks, all, for the love and prayers. much appreciated!

Baba said...

...oh LIsa,you make me cry... I love you..it was hard to see you and Heather huging as I was trying not to cry till I was far... I thank God He provided a shoulder for me to cry...I couldn't hold it till I turn in the train station...I don't wanna hide my tears... coz I love you lots and I do miss you a lot...There's a verse that encouraged me somehow...in acts 20:36, says something like "and they kneeled with his brothers and prayed.then everyone cryed and hugged and kissed..."...it's maybe part of being church...gathering and scattering...I liked that post...and feeling pain to leave coz we love eachother for real...I never felt like this before, not even with my own natural family...and I guess that means a lot... I do love you...you are my family... and I'm proud to be a Borden :-)...even the bag I brought for my sleeping-bag has written "Borden" on it, just so I remember :-)

Love you more!!!

Baba Borden :-)

lisa said...

yea, baba, i think you're right. this is church :-)

kisses and hugs from all!