Dancing with Jesse

I was recently asked to write about some transformational events in my life.  This was the third one that came to mind, but my favorite to relate...

     The third event took place on a dance floor last December.  It had been the most beautiful ceremony as our son, Jesse, exchanged vows with dear, lovely Annie under a spreading oak in an open meadow.  Now the celebration had moved indoors and it was time for the groom to dance with his mama.  It wasn’t required, but we had decided to do it.  I don’t know why, really, because I’m hopeless at being led.  I dance alone.  I dance in my bedroom and at the stove as I wait for the kettle to boil.  I don’t dance with a partner in public.  

     We had decided to go for it even though there was no time to practice; no time for me to unlearn the stepping on his feet I was sure to do.  As we faced each other, holding hands and waiting for the music to begin, I smiled into his sweet, young face and asked, “So, what are we going to do?”  “We’re gonna go crazy,” he grinned.  

     The first notes of Queen’s Crazy Little Thing Called Love began, (a song I had chosen, for goodness sake!) and we did exactly that.  We went crazy.  We danced all over that floor and we had an absolute riot.  The crowd was wildly enthusiastic for us.  I danced with abandon and the utter joy of celebrating Jesse and Annie’s love.  When I came off the floor, a close, long-time friend said, “How have I never known you had that in you??”  I laughed and looked over at my folks, “Don’t worry,” I confided, “My parents didn’t know it either.”  

     I was transformed through that dance by the sheer delight I sensed from God as I cut loose and celebrated all that is good about love and marriage.  Completely at ease in my own skin, I experienced the pleasure of being myself.  I was transformed by the assurance that God enjoys a good party—and so very thankful I don’t have to be a Puritan.

(Photo by Jessica Taylor at 37 Degrees )

Ready. Set. Engaged!

Jesse and Annie became engaged on May 21st :-) We're so very happy with them!  This sweet turn of events has prompted a few of my friends to ask me how I'm doing and if I was ready for this important FIRST in our lives. I find myself wondering, "What's ready?"  Was I expecting it? Yes.  I mean, I've been expecting it for quite some time and I actually had to work on not expecting it! Every time I thought I had it figured out, I didn't.

But, ready... What would that look like?

Did Santa Barbara Notice Shaky's Passing? (i wish i could have known him)

Jesse lost a friend on Friday night. Shaky lived in one of the parks in Santa Barbara and, as I understand it, was a bit of a legend in his community. He and his friends were together Friday evening and he decided to go to sleep before the others. In the morning, Gator, Shaky's best friend and constant companion, went to wake him but Shaky was gone.

Jesse didn't get to the park until Shaky's body had already been taken away. He was told they'll cremate him and wait to hear if there is something that someone somewhere wants done with the ashes. Jesse gathered Shaky's earthly possessions from behind the dumpster where he had been asleep and brought them to Gator and the others. There wasn't much.

Gator had a number for a woman he believed to be Shaky's mama. He didn't want the coroner to contact her about the death so asked Jesse to please make the call. Jesse did. He found out that she was actually Shaky's grandmother and he explained to her that he had some bad news. Of course, she was very upset by it but Jesse let her know that Shaky had been well loved.

Jesse and the men and women he knows on Santa Barbara's streets were not the only ones who loved Shaky. There's a whole group of them who have made friends with this community that hasn't quite made it in mainstream life. They were happy to meet a woman chaplain who has been involved, folks who work at the homeless shelter and others who turned up to offer comfort and support. That night a number of them sat in a circle around Shaky's wheelchair, lit candles and sang hymns. It was not a long gathering, but one that gave friends an opportunity to cry together.

I had been hoping to have a chance to meet Shaky because Jesse had so often spoken of him. "He was a really strong alcoholic, Mama," Jesse would say, by which he meant that alcohol had a very firm hold on him. Life had been pretty brutal and Jesse knew about some of the bitterness and hatred that he had come out of. Shaky's body was pretty much destroyed by his drink and he smelled really bad because he was in a wheelchair and couldn't ever shower, but, "He really, really knew Jesus," Jesse told me. In all the hardship of life, he had encountered a living Grace.

I'm not sure why I'm relating this story today except that it really hit me hard to think of someone storing their belongings behind a dumpster in a park. He was curled up next to them when he passed away. Behind a dumpster. Behind a dumpster!

Some how that image just puts so much of life in sharp relief.

Filling In

I attended a special dinner last night to celebrate the upcoming marriage of our sweet friends, Tait and Hunter. Byron was unable to be there :( His baby boy, Jesse, subbed in nicely. What mama would mind being escorted by one of her sons?

Ian says Jesse cleans up well. (Agreed.)

Thanks for being such a nice date, JB. And thanks for the cause to celebrate, T&H!

Sometimes All the Stupid Things...

Sometimes all the stupid things that go wrong become kind of a comedy. Or a tragedy. Or maybe a melodrama.

It's just so discouragingly "normal" that the trailer we waited for months to be made finally came home today and immediately has to be re-built in our drive because of all the things that weren't done right. Never mind the fact that it needs to be packed tomorrow and pulled out on safari the following day. Just never you mind that.

Tension was up at our house today as we played catch up on preparations to take a team from the U.S. out into Maasai. We've been pacing it all pretty well, but we made a last minute trip to Kenya on Wednesday/Thursday. Looking over the schedule for the next few weeks, we realized Colin's rugby game on Wednesday might be the only one we can get to. (Reminder: he's at boarding school 7 hours away.) TREVOR, sweet second-born, just arrived last Sunday night and he had never even been up to Colin's school. We grabbed the chance, jumped in the car and made a run for it. Then we grabbed Colin and brought him home a day early for midterm. It was great.

But that just meant that we had to do 2 days of work today and we'll need to do 2 more tomorrow. It's not so bad, really. I shouldn't complain... And I have to admit that I thought we navigated the stress quite well, all things considered.

And yet, as I climbed into bed, I was more aware of the stupid things than I was of any of the things that were good.

Two things happened to change that. Jesse sent a little note and asked me if I had seen that you can go on line and pre-order my book, Approaching God. I had no idea so when I saw my wee book on Amazon, I had a little moment. I just sort of gazed at it and thought, "It must be true, then. This book is going to be published."

Then Trevor stuck his head in the door to say good night and reported that he'd just received a note from Jesse saying he had dropped off one of his hand-made drums at a music shop in Santa Barbara. While in there, he noticed that 2 older cajons he'd crafted had sold, which pleased him. But that wasn't all. It was Jack Johnson who bought them. Jack! Trevor had other news from Jesse--just random stuff about a great evening he had with friends at the Mumford and Sons show in LA. It was all cheery stuff that made me giggle.

A book. Some drums. Some funny things to laugh about. It all reminded me that the stupid things may be truly vexing, but the lovely things outweigh them. Now I blow out my candle and give this day a parting hug. It feels so much better than kicking it on its way out.

Untitled

There are many things I like about this photo. First, I'm their mama so I'm going to like it regardless, right? But still. It was taken by a guy named Dean at a recent gig that Jesse and Trevor played with friends.

For one thing, I like "Caught in the Moment" photos. They capture and convey something bigger than just the scene and how it was set. I like the way the photographer jiggled the colors and came up with these. For some reason, I also very much like Trevor's arm and the way he is bending toward Jesse. I wish I could hear what Jesse is smiling and talking about. I like that I can hear his laugh when I look at this.

But there's something else in here that startles my mind and heart and I think it is this...

This is a photo of 2 men.

Hello men.

Nicely Done (We Celebrate Jesse)

Once upon a time there was a little blond boy who lived among the Maasai. He grew up climbing trees, holding goats, stealing honey from bees, watching wild things in their environment, walking barefoot, identifying birds and collecting butterflies and bones (most especially skulls.) He brought his Mama frogs and toads, tarantulas and hunting spiders. He brought her tortoises and chameleons, crabs and hedgehogs. Sometimes he brought her snakes, though she was not very excited about housing snakes on the back porch.

He liked the streams, the lakes, the oceans and the sky. He noticed the mosses and the smooth stones. He picked out particularly pretty leaves and watched the clouds building over the hills. This little boy made campfires in the early morning hours when it was cold and his parents were not yet up. He chattered away in Maa as he fashioned simple wooden stools for his Maasai aunties.

This little naturalist saw good things everywhere and he pointed them out as he went along his way. How beautiful is life? How marvelous is the world? So much wonder! So much cause for joy! So many reasons to worship.



Jesse graduated with Westmont College's Class of 2009. He earned his degree in Environmental Science. He made us all beam with pride, as families are wont to do. It was a very fine weekend, complete with friends, fires, evacuations and festivities.

Jesse has a few ideas but he's not exactly sure what the new season will bring. We'll certainly enjoy watching the adventure unfold :-)

Welcoming the Rain (and hello travels)

It's warm and humid this afternoon in Arusha. This morning we had a nice rain. Byron and I were still in bed with our morning tea when that wonderful, unbelievable smell announced the big event. It wasn't a huge rain but it was much welcomed and I blessed it as I enjoyed my tea. Now I sit here on our front porch, watching the clouds build, and hope that tonight will bring a heavy downpour.

Jesse was 22 on Friday. Twenty-two? I have a 22 year-old? Indeed, I do. One that I am ridiculously proud of, actually. And the days are quickly approaching his college graduation. He will soon complete his bachelor's degree in Environmental Science and we'll be there, smiling and clapping and snapping photos.

But in order to get there, I'm going to have to leave here.

On the way to California, we will travel through Portugal for 10 days. It's 2 years and 8 months since we left and it's the right time to go back. We really, really look forward to being with the folks we love there.

All this coming and going stirs stuff in me.

A wise friend of mine once said that we weren't made for the jet-age. We aren't actually well-suited to pop between cultures so quickly. It can be jarring. For me, it usually quiets and, to be honest, kind of confuses me. I need time to observe, absorb and figure it out.

So I feel this little tremble of temptation to have a mini-freak-out about leaving Africa and landing in LA. You know, there is often more money on a finger in LA than friends here might make in 10 years of full-time work. It's too bizarre to think about.

But this time around, I think I feel a little more settled about my unsettledness. I am more at peace with my particular peculiarities. So I'm not typical in my experiences... Is anyone, really? So I have some significantly different perspectives on a few things... Whatever.

I am me.

I love my friends and family in many locations far from the one that I call home. I begin the journey on Wednesday, fully expecting to be better for time with them.

And I expect that they will, once again, embrace this family that blows in every once in a while, bringing tales from far and away beyond their horizons.

Quietly to Bed Now

So Jesse and Trevor are both gone now and we're back to 4 at our house.

It's funny because it hits me the most when I'm setting the table. Only 4 plates? How weird. And how odd was it to make tea in the medium sized blue pot this afternoon? I've been reaching for the GIANT Mother of All Brown Betty's all summer.

So I set the blue pot on the tea tray and I called down the hall to Heather, "Hey, we're eating chocolate today!" She came quickly :-) At least Heath and I know what to do in the face of this melancholy mood.

We sat on the porch and broke open our last bar of Trader Joe's fair trade milk chocolate (God bless Dana forever!) and sighed into our cups.

Tonight in the weird quiet of our home, I am thankful for so much.

I'm thankful for a full summer of unbelievable adventures. I'm thankful for many, many long conversations about all manner of things and life shared as a family. I'm thankful for the relationships the kids have and the way they speak into each other's lives. Some times we'll yell into each other's lives, but that's just they way we are. I'm thankful for the laughter and the dancing and the way we work together.

One of my very favorite things is to fall asleep hearing the boys still talking in the dark of their room. It feels like a sacred time as the 3 brothers discuss and share and wonder and plan. I can't hear the conversation--just the sound of their voices drifting softly down the hall.

I was just wondering how Colin was feeling about going to bed in there alone tonight. But I don't need to wonder any longer. He's just appeared and climbed in across the foot of my bed.

I don't blame him one bit!

Breakfast (and Life) is Good

Jesse got up early and made us fry jacks with refried beans and fried eggs for brecky today. It's a breakfast he learned in Belize and it's pretty yummy. Fry jacks are basically rounds of yeast-less bread dough that are deep fried, sort of like a flattened, sugar-free doughnut.

"Hhmmm," Jesse said as he surveyed the breakfast feast, "No wonder my skin was so bad while I was in Belize!"

Once in a while, though, it sure is worth it.

Question: How nice is it to have a son who likes to make breakfast for the fam?
Answer: Very.

This week I've been sorely tempted to think about all the things we won't be able to do this summer before the boys return to California. I've felt myself wanting to focus on the way time speeds by and the fact that their departure date seems to propel itself forward toward us as if it burns jet fuel.

It's a poor way to think.

I woke up today to the smell of breakfast cooking.

Now I need to wake up to the joy of savoring these simple moments.

Back from Beyond

We returned on Sunday night from a week outside.

I can't possibly tell you how good it was for my soul to be in the remote Loita hills, sleeping in my little tent, making tea over the fire and living under the open sky for days on end.

We visited in many homes and drank gallons of chai and caught up with many Maasai friends. We also hiked the hills, walked in the river, stalked elephants, watched the sun rise and set, bathed in the stream and slept soundly in the brisk night air. We sat around the fire every evening and generally felt overcome by the goodness of Creation and her maker.

Quiet now, Lisa. There is no way to convey the strength and joy and beauty of the week.

A photo log to come soon.

I promise.

( PS The "we" included 6 of us Bordens plus 1 Darrelle Good!)

Photos by Jesse Borden

Happy Birthday, Jesse!

Well, it's hard to believe that Jesse turns 21 today.

Heather and I were eating our oatmeal porridge out on the veranda, looking out on the wet grass and trying to keep the 4 dogs from stealing toast off the table. I turned to her and said, "And today is Jesse's birthday!"

Heather, his 9 year old baby sister, burst into tears. I guess we miss him a lot.

"Jesse is an adult!" Heather said.

That must be so but wasn't he just this size, like, yesterday??

(Jesse at 3 months old, behind Steve and Donna's old house in Santa Barbara)

Happy Birthday, Jesse-boy! We all like you lots and lots.

PS I posted on my Conversant Life blog about what it means to turn 21. It's called "To Be a Man."

Catching a Glimpse of Jesse

I stole this photo of Jesse off of the blog the Creation Care program he's on in Belize keeps so that the parents can get a little glimpse of what's going on there. It's nice of them as the students have very limited opportunity to get on-line so we don't hear news very frequently.

I love the photo because it's just so very Jesse.

He told me that floating down the river on that warm and rainy day he was thinking about what it means to surrender to God and trust the current he has under us.

I like that I learn from my children about how to follow God.

Quiet Around Here...

It's been quiet on this blog as our last few days have been a crush of activity and a swirl of emotion getting Jesse off on Saturday afternoon. For those who are interested, his flight route was Kilimanjaro-Kigali (Rwanda)-Addis (Ethiopia)-Rome-Washington D.C.-Los Angeles. Goodness! Now he has a few days in California before heading to Belize, Central America, to begin a semester-long course in Creation Care. He's very happy that he'll be studying in the rainforest.

For us, it's a bit of a shock to the system to be just the 4 of us again. We all grieve the departure of the 2 older brothers in slightly different ways, from being grumpy to getting quiet to feeling teary. We also trade off which one we're using as our coping technique! "I'll be grumpy today; you be teary." Ha ha.

I remember years ago, when Jesse and Trevor were quite small, dropping my parents off at the airport in Nairobi to send them back to L.A. I was overcome with sadness at their departure. But then a wee little light went on. Maybe, instead of focusing on how sad it was that they had to return home, I could think about how wonderful it was that they were able to come out and see us at all!

It's a good idea... (But it doesn't always work.)

It's Good...

... to have big brothers. For one thing, their laps are good for sleeping in :-)

The Dreaded Joy

Jesse and Trevor will arrive here in Arusha on Monday night, December 17th. It's just over one week away!

They fly LA-Washington D.C.-Addis Ababa (Ethiopia, where they have to spend the night. ) Next morning they fly to Nairobi and THEN they take a 5 hour bus ride down to our town.

We are eager, excited, crazed little family members, waiting to throw our arms around them and kiss them to pieces.

But inside, I almost fear their return. I just don't like that their arrival is followed shortly by their departure.

My throat thickens in that awful way and my chest feels heavy at the thought of it.

I'm so glad they are grown and in college.

I so hate the number of miles between us.

So I Have to Reach Real Big to Hug Them

The other day I had this sudden strange realization that (right now) our little family of six is spread out over three continents. Byron and I are here in Spain, Colin and Heather are home in Tanzania (with the outstanding Russell family,) and Jesse and Trevor are in the States. Weird!

I'm missing them all these last couple of days :-( Last night the worship started up and I immediately felt worse! Ha! Doesn't that sound bad? Well, if it's only a guitar that plays then I'm usually pretty fine. When it's guitar and djembe, I have a little melt down. It is part of the soundtrack of our lives to have Jesse, Trevor and Colin playing guitar and djembe together.

I never have the right words for musical things but I can tell you that Trevor's guitar has a rich and sparkly sound under his fingers. Jesse has graceful, strong hands on the djembe. Colin has a quick, firm but light touch on his djembe.

So I have to "get over" a rush of emotion when I hear those sounds together as it just brings up in me a longing to be with the boys. Mixed with that is the memory of many sweet times with our community in Lisbon, the Lisboa Matrix. Sigh.

And then there's Heather. I miss hearing Heather singing all through the house. She fills the airwaves with numbers from Annie and Oklahoma and Walk the Line. Oh yea!

Missing the kids is sad. But there there is ONE family member who has just turned up to fill the weekend with BIG JOY! Barbara is here! Yes, the indescribable, incomparable, excellent, wonderful, shining Baba took bus after bus all day long from Portugal yesterday to get her last night.

Imagine us with big, beaming smiles :-)

Sci Fi Life

When I was a little girl, we used to talk about how "some day" you would be able to see each other when you spoke on the phone with people. We used to laugh at how crazy that would be.

In the 90's when we would watch Star Trek (The Next Generation), Captain Picard would sometimes have very important communications with his superiors and they would see each other on their computer screens (woo woo!) as they talked through whatever crisis was at hand.

Maybe we are living out our Sci Fi reality now because just the other night, Jesse joined us for dinner. Of course, Jesse is on the west coast of the United States and we are in eastern Africa.

Our wide band (which we call skinny band here, for obvious reasons) has not been up to the job of carrying an image in both directions when Trevor and I have tried to video skype. But some how, the other night, all the atmospheric conditions were just right. I placed my little white MacBook at the end of our dinner table and there was Jesse (and his friend, Chris Targoni) joining us for our meal!

It was too fun. All the Russell kids were over, with all four of their puppies, so we were a noisy party in all. It was just surreal to be connected that way. It made us all giggly and ridiculous. Jesse said it made him happy for the whole of his day :-)

Trevor's Debut

Trevor has started a blog called "I Wish You Could Be Here" so that he can post the nice little videos that he makes. Using a public blog makes them accesible to all. They are all short and sweet in their different ways.

His new one called 'Rock Climbing' is quite lovely...

I like seeing those boys enjoying this new season :-)

Enjoy!

3 Weeks and Counting...

Ok so the boys have been gone three weeks today.

I was not aware that this was the three week mark as I woke up. I just woke up missing them and feeling sad.

I tried skyping out to Trevor's mobile phone but there was no answer. I tried skyping to Jesse's computer. No answer there either. It was only a little after 9pm their time so I didn't really expect them to be in their rooms.

I left them both e-notes just to say that I had tried to call. Then I sat outside on the porch where Byron was reading, my eyes all red and my face all wet.

Gosh, missing them is like having a big cave for a chest.

It's not that I wish they were here. It's just that I wish we could drop by and take them out for a meal... or meet the new roomates... or even just send them a package easily. I wish that coming home for a weekend wasn't actually impossible.

Byron told me later that before I walked out to the porch he had been sitting there thinking about how bad it feels to be so far away. I guess we are just hitting another layer of it all.

Does pain mean we are in the wrong place?

I don't think so.

Jesse skyped me a couple of hours after I had tried to skype him. The connection was lousy so we just used the chat feature to type back and forth. We finally said goodbye when it was well after his midnight.

My chest doesn't feel so hollow now. Still achey, but not so empty.