A Beautiful Blur

I was looking at my calendar a few short weeks ago and the weekends before me lined up like this:

Oct 19-21 With 24-7Prayer family in Germany, speaking, teaching, enjoying
Oct 27-28 Visit Heather at boarding school in Kenya
Nov 3 Belated 50th Birthday Party with 30 friends at our house (in Tanzania) for me (with departure for US on 5th)
Nov 9-10 Parents Weekend at Westmont (in California) with Colin, not to mention Jesse, Annie, Trevor and Karly  (Then squeeze in a couple days in Seattle with my sister and a dinner with missions folks at CCF over 12-14th)
Nov 16 Speak at Santa Barbara Community Church's Story Night, then travel to Bay Area on 17th to meet Annie's parents for the first time :)
Nov 23 (still feeling fat and happy from first Thanksgiving in US in 7 years) Byron and Heather arrive in California the day after his birthday and five days before Trevor's bday
Dec 1 Amid much final prep work toward the 9th, Trevor has a gig in SB. Hurray! AND Heather will be 14 on the 4th :)
Dec 9 JESSE AND ANNIE GET MARRIED!

Like I said, it's a beautiful blur.

I am blessed.  Yes, blessed.  So blessed.

Through the Night

And maybe now
with the space of days
i can whisper
that parting hurt

That night
when they left
and you realized
you wouldn't see them

Your tears
scalded little streaks
down your face
and didn't stop soon

It was late
and they still needed
to come
so we welcomed them

In the dark
we climbed under
our mosquito net
and huddled together

The four of us
with your quiet sobs
The only thing I knew to do
was sing

I sang the old songs
the ones that lulled
my babies
to sleep

I sang
shaking voice
shaking heart
shaking sobs

Your brother slipped out
and you slept

You found me
in the morning
curled at the foot
of my own bed

Rather than wake you
I let you be
and found a place
where there was room

You felt so bad
And I thought, "Really?
You think it bothered me,
that flickering sleep?"

Rest is relative
and on that night
there were bigger needs
to be met

We unpacked your things
at boarding school
just a few days
later

And it was hard
But, honestly,
it was easier for the way
we passed that night

-lisa, 11 September, 2012

As You Go

It rained last night
unseasonal, but perfectly suited
a quiet, constant drizzle
like a mourning

A mourning last night
expected, but patently difficult
a grey grief misting
like a rain

And I may worry as you go
so many little things
when trying to feel
at home

So many big things
rising in a heart
very far from
what it knows

But I don't worry
about you
who you are or
who you will become

You live well
and shine
soft, clear
strong

We send you
in amazement
in confidence
and with tears

A joy last night
sure, if understandably muted
a calm, constant knowing
like all that is good

-lisa, 20 August, 2012

Saudade

When I say
I miss you

I do not
speak lightly

There have been
a hundred goodbyes

Perhaps
a thousand

I have boarded
a million planes

Or stood at
security gates

And waved
a billion waves

And then
I have

Moved
on

There is no moving on
from you

You are
here

Roots wound
firmly

Through
my heart

-lisa, 18 March, 2012

Charlotte

To say that our family is a little attached to our dogs would be putting it mildly. Ask our long-time friends and they'll confirm to you that we're all a little nuts in this regard. Oh, I could tell you all the sound reasons for our passionate affection toward our canine family members, but it doesn't have to be justified. It's just a fact. We simply enjoy their company. A lot.

All the sadder, then, that we should return from 2 weeks away to the news that Charlotte had run under the wheels of a friend's car just a few days after we left home. We were off-line and out of phone range so we heard about it as we were getting ready to drive down from Nairobi yesterday. Sweet Tammy cried when she called to let me know.

Well, Heather made a little list and presented it at the dinner table tonight. I thought you might like to hear what she thought was good to remember about that little dog that we reared from birth in Portugal, took with us to the States for 9 months and then moved with us to Tanzania.

Here are Heather's "Memories of Charlotte."

1. She would go crazy when she would see the leash. She would jump up and down and get so, so excited!
2. She would make this funny snoring sound when she was looking at your food and was hungry. (Which was always.)
3. She loved it when you would scratch really hard on her back and she would start shaking her back right leg.
4. She would always sneak into the house and go into Mom and Dad's room and go under the bed and get all tangled up in the mosquito net.
5. She was really good to take in the Land Rover to, like, the land. And once she even got to go to Maji Moto!
6. She was a really, really good dog.

I miss that little white dog. She certainly was a cheeky one.

New Shapes and Sizes (or We Adapt)

As the boys took their leave for Kenya and California, Byron, Heather and I looked, I'm sure, a little forlorn. It's just downright weird to be only three of us in the house.

Let's review: Jesse is soon to be 23, Trevor is 20 and Colin is 16. Heather, by the way, is 11. While Jesse and Trevor are "supposed" to be away, Colin's absence is plain unnatural. Don't get me wrong, I think he's at a great school where he's doing well. It's just 7 hours too far away from home!

We cherished our time together over the holidays, but now we claim our right to a little melt down. Heather has already cashed in. On the day after they'd all gone, she flung herself down beside me on my bed and gave way to all the drama in her head.

"Jesse and Trevor are going to get married and come home with their TODDLERS and we're just never going to all live together again and it's not right!"

While I thought it was a little early to imagine Jesse and Trevor married (to lovely women, I'm sure) and chasing toddlers around the place, I felt for her. From my perspective, the changes that lie ahead might seem weird, but they still seem right and good. Our kids are supposed to grow up and make their own way and, yes, marry and have TODDLERS! That's all part of the deal.

But Heather's take on it is different. Yes, MY kids are supposed to grow up. But that's not how she's looking at it. My kids can take flight, but HER SIBLINGS better not. As you've gathered, Heather's a bit of a caboose. She was a long anticipated, hugely desired and wildly welcomed caboose, but a late addition nonetheless. And she isn't feeling too much enthusiasm about the rest of the train rushing off without her.

Still, there's nothing for it but to venture on. May the years before us bring many happy surprises as we continue to embrace new ways of being family.

All of Us!

It's not often any more that all 6 Bordens and all 6 Russells are in the same place at the same time. With Colin and Chase at boarding school in Kenya and Jesse, Trevor and Skyler in California, moments like these are becoming more and more rare. But here we are...


Christmas Day 2009 (Colin, Skyler, Byron, Heather, Lisa, Sianna, Trevor, Tammy, Leighton, Peter, Chase, Jesse.)


All 8 of the offspring on the morning Colin and Chase returned to school.

We are thankful for friends who are family :-)

And... the New Reality

The layers of leave-taking have been staggered over the last for weeks and I'm thankful for that.

Trevor returned to California on 26 August. Colin unpacked into his dorm room at RVA in Kenya on 6 September. And Jesse, well, Jesse came home to Arusha with Heather, Byron and me. It was a new experience to be here as a family of 4 with just our oldest and our youngest kids. Jesse is almost 12 years older than Heather yet they have a remarkably pleasant friendship between them. It's awfully cute to see them together, baking cookies or jumping on the trampoline or whatever.

But today brought the new reality as Jesse and his friend, Curtis, caught the shuttle to Nairobi. The great thing is that Jesse will get up to RVA and spend the late afternoon and evening with Colin. Woo hoo! So nice that he can do that. I'm happy for them. Jesse will stay over night and then catch his 11:25pm flight on Tuesday.

The not so great part is that Heather is trying on the only child role today and not liking it any too well. Let's just say it's been a little teary around here as she wonders what she's going to do when she wants to play a game of cards or challenge someone to beat her at that game they play on the trampoline when they try to kill the other person's bounce. Some people call it Seat Wars but my kids call it The Butt Game.

I'm thankful for the months together and the full store of memories that our banks hold. I don't mind saying that not all the memories are sweetness and joy. We grump around and get stressed and impatient as well as anyone else. In it all, I've always been thankful for the way the brothers have made sure that they make time for their baby sister. It makes a big difference, even if it means she needs to cry when they go away.

Going Quiet Now

We're in Nairobi. Trevor flew out of here on Wednesday night :-(

Colin didn't get a place for 10th grade at RVA (boarding school here in Kenya) but we accompanied Tammy to drop off her son, Chase, for 11th. The Russells are family so it was like seeing someone who is closer than a cousin/pretty much a brother off. We said goodbye to him this morning. I cried a lot and my eyes stayed puffy all day.

We've been running a long marathon for what feels like ages. It's all good. Beautiful things have transpired. Beautiful people have been out to TZ and shared the journey with us in the last couple of months. God is beautiful in the midst of hectic times. And in other times, as well.

I finished the manuscript and sent it to my publisher in the U.K. last Tuesday. I wish I could say something a little more descriptive about it than that but I am so tired right now.

We're going to Loita tomorrow. We lived there for 10 years, you know. It always feel like going home. We'll camp. Byron will have to work but we'll stay long enough to make sure he rests and reads and does some nice hikes in the hills, as well. My work will be visiting in the homes of friends and cooking over the camp fire.

We can walk 30 minutes to our old house from where we'll camp and possibly go on line if we need to. But we won't do that much, I don't think.

So I'm going quiet now.

See you in a couple of weeks.

And This is How i Know...

That I married the right man:

Because while the overwhelm was trying to overwhelm me this morning, he slipped into the kitchen and made us all a big pan of scrambled eggs with green onions and potatoes mixed in.

And when I cried after breakfast and told him I was disappointed that we didn't have a better school situation for the kids, he told me how great the kids are and how great they are doing and how maybe God knows a thing or two.

And when I asked him what God might possibly know about what was best for my kids, he laughed (and didn't worry that maybe I had lost my faith.)

And rather than wait for tomorrow to catch up with us and shock us with the list of things that aren't yet done, he seasoned all the ground beef and got it ready tonight for tomorrow's BBQ burger thing that we're bringing the meat to.

And THEN, because he realized the celery he had been so excited to find was about to fade, he made a big batch of Mrs. Lucia's Italian chicken stuff for our dinner and we had enough to freeze for some other night too. (All this while still putting in a day's work.)

And Heather said, "Mom, you never cook anymore!"

And Colin said, "She cooks all the time."

And I said, "I married the right man."

Life looks so much better from the vantage point of tonight.

(And home school was actually just fine today.)

Quietly to Bed Now

So Jesse and Trevor are both gone now and we're back to 4 at our house.

It's funny because it hits me the most when I'm setting the table. Only 4 plates? How weird. And how odd was it to make tea in the medium sized blue pot this afternoon? I've been reaching for the GIANT Mother of All Brown Betty's all summer.

So I set the blue pot on the tea tray and I called down the hall to Heather, "Hey, we're eating chocolate today!" She came quickly :-) At least Heath and I know what to do in the face of this melancholy mood.

We sat on the porch and broke open our last bar of Trader Joe's fair trade milk chocolate (God bless Dana forever!) and sighed into our cups.

Tonight in the weird quiet of our home, I am thankful for so much.

I'm thankful for a full summer of unbelievable adventures. I'm thankful for many, many long conversations about all manner of things and life shared as a family. I'm thankful for the relationships the kids have and the way they speak into each other's lives. Some times we'll yell into each other's lives, but that's just they way we are. I'm thankful for the laughter and the dancing and the way we work together.

One of my very favorite things is to fall asleep hearing the boys still talking in the dark of their room. It feels like a sacred time as the 3 brothers discuss and share and wonder and plan. I can't hear the conversation--just the sound of their voices drifting softly down the hall.

I was just wondering how Colin was feeling about going to bed in there alone tonight. But I don't need to wonder any longer. He's just appeared and climbed in across the foot of my bed.

I don't blame him one bit!

Just What We Needed

I could feel myself spiraling last week. I was tired and cold (so grey and miserable in Arusha these days) and, as previously noted, I was too aware that time was rushing on and there was not much give in the weeks ahead before Jesse and Trevor leave again for California and college.

So... We grabbed the opportunity on the weekend to run away together for 2 nights. I had looked at the calendar and noticed that it was the last truly open weekend before their departure so we said, "We're outta here!" It was Friday when we made this decision and we left at 6am on Saturday.

This little camp-out with the 6 of us may well turn out to be the highlight of the summer in terms of our family life.

As we sat around the camp fire on that first night, our conversation turned to Europe. We called Europe home for about 7 years and we've only been based back in Africa for 14 months now. It was really good to laugh and talk about good memories of people, places and events. We grew so much there. It was a priceless season in our lives and it good to talk about what we miss.

It was so life-giving to recall those times together. It's healthy to give recognition and remembrance to seasons and passages of life. I found it particularly healing because I am feeling lonely for the family of friends we shared life with there very acutely right now as I know they're all in Hungary for their annual gathering. Each email from one of them, letting me know we are missed as they come together, brings me twinges of separation and loss pain.

On Sunday we spent about 8 hours hiking up to the source of the Engare Sero River and back again. It was a stunningly beautiful hike up out of the desert sands and into lush gorges and under plunging, thundering waterfalls from springs pouring out of jagged cliffs.



It wasn't entirely easy but we saw no one all day and we worked together, enjoying each other's company, for hours and hours.

Now we've returned to Arusha-town replenished. I am most re-filled spiritually when I am able to be out in Creation. Creation helps me connect with my Creator and I love that.

I'm just so thankful for the tanked-up feeling and fact that we didn't let short notice stop us from getting what we so badly needed.

Thank you, Creator God.



Photos by Jesse and Trevor Borden

Breakfast (and Life) is Good

Jesse got up early and made us fry jacks with refried beans and fried eggs for brecky today. It's a breakfast he learned in Belize and it's pretty yummy. Fry jacks are basically rounds of yeast-less bread dough that are deep fried, sort of like a flattened, sugar-free doughnut.

"Hhmmm," Jesse said as he surveyed the breakfast feast, "No wonder my skin was so bad while I was in Belize!"

Once in a while, though, it sure is worth it.

Question: How nice is it to have a son who likes to make breakfast for the fam?
Answer: Very.

This week I've been sorely tempted to think about all the things we won't be able to do this summer before the boys return to California. I've felt myself wanting to focus on the way time speeds by and the fact that their departure date seems to propel itself forward toward us as if it burns jet fuel.

It's a poor way to think.

I woke up today to the smell of breakfast cooking.

Now I need to wake up to the joy of savoring these simple moments.

Quiet Around Here...

It's been quiet on this blog as our last few days have been a crush of activity and a swirl of emotion getting Jesse off on Saturday afternoon. For those who are interested, his flight route was Kilimanjaro-Kigali (Rwanda)-Addis (Ethiopia)-Rome-Washington D.C.-Los Angeles. Goodness! Now he has a few days in California before heading to Belize, Central America, to begin a semester-long course in Creation Care. He's very happy that he'll be studying in the rainforest.

For us, it's a bit of a shock to the system to be just the 4 of us again. We all grieve the departure of the 2 older brothers in slightly different ways, from being grumpy to getting quiet to feeling teary. We also trade off which one we're using as our coping technique! "I'll be grumpy today; you be teary." Ha ha.

I remember years ago, when Jesse and Trevor were quite small, dropping my parents off at the airport in Nairobi to send them back to L.A. I was overcome with sadness at their departure. But then a wee little light went on. Maybe, instead of focusing on how sad it was that they had to return home, I could think about how wonderful it was that they were able to come out and see us at all!

It's a good idea... (But it doesn't always work.)

Boys Home (Posted With Photos for Darrelle)

The boys are here, blinking in the bright African sun :-)

Trevor sobbed and sobbed when he got his arms around his Daddy.

Mmmmmmm.... feels good to have them home.

Sci Fi Life

When I was a little girl, we used to talk about how "some day" you would be able to see each other when you spoke on the phone with people. We used to laugh at how crazy that would be.

In the 90's when we would watch Star Trek (The Next Generation), Captain Picard would sometimes have very important communications with his superiors and they would see each other on their computer screens (woo woo!) as they talked through whatever crisis was at hand.

Maybe we are living out our Sci Fi reality now because just the other night, Jesse joined us for dinner. Of course, Jesse is on the west coast of the United States and we are in eastern Africa.

Our wide band (which we call skinny band here, for obvious reasons) has not been up to the job of carrying an image in both directions when Trevor and I have tried to video skype. But some how, the other night, all the atmospheric conditions were just right. I placed my little white MacBook at the end of our dinner table and there was Jesse (and his friend, Chris Targoni) joining us for our meal!

It was too fun. All the Russell kids were over, with all four of their puppies, so we were a noisy party in all. It was just surreal to be connected that way. It made us all giggly and ridiculous. Jesse said it made him happy for the whole of his day :-)

Weirdness

I had a weird thing happen today. I was sorting through the sock basket which has largely been untouched for a couple of months as no one seems to have needed socks, and I noticed this very strange smell arising from within.

This is CLEAN sock basket. Some years ago I stopped sorting the socks for the whole family because who on earth has time for THAT? I put the clean socks in one basket and everyone can go dig when they need socks.

Well, I dug through the socks and, lo and behold, buried deep within the basket I found a rotten banana. It was black and slick and stinky. It was the cause for the little cloud of fruit flies. It was the reason for the rank smell.

I threw the banana away and I threw all the socks into the washing machine but I had to wonder...

Who would be walking by the sock basket with a banana thinking, "Gosh, this banana looks really good but I'm just too full right now so I'll have to eat it later. Let me just bury it in this sock basket for safe keeping" ??

Who would do that??