So many questions.
There are times when my mind is just full of them. I think that I thought this would be a symptom of youth. Like you would have loads of questions as you started into life, but as life progressed you would find more and more of the answers. Maturity, then, would be a feeling of understanding so many things.
At this point, the point of being 44 and having some level of maturity that has happened along the way, it doesn't really feel the way I guess I thought it might.
It doesn't feel scary. It doesn't feel desperate or hopeless. Confused at time, yes. (Often, actually.) Anger sometimes. (More often than I would like to admit.) A deeper sense of wonder. A more profound understanding of the brevity and fragile nature of life.
But overall, a sense that the questions don't diminish. Rather, they seem to increase.
I love the Jars of Clay lyric that says, "You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief."
It feels like I used to carry this firm belief that if you "just do such and so" the result will be some prescribed scenario that I believed to be the correct scenario. That "firm belief" loosens.
And there are times when my soul feels smashed up and crushed on the grief of the world.
I know Who it is I look to the answers for. I am more at peace with the fact that He isn't all that forthcoming with them.
All day I've had the hymn Rock of Ages in my head. I don't sing it with crashing piano accompaniment in mind or with a marching beat. I sing it with a mournful kind of hope.
"Rock of Ages cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee."
Yes, Lord, in Thee.