Tired this Friday morning and longing for God, I find myself again in this place of quandry. The pathways that were so familiar for so many years, the ones that almost guarnateed the destination, feel a little like abandoned trails that no longer reach the place of my longing. Exploration of Him and discovery of expressions of His community that have filled me like a rich meal, leave me nostalgic for those hard and beautiful days in Europe when we pressed into the journey together.
I pull up some favorite music on the ipod to pump through the speakers into our living room. It's U2 and Bono is belting out:
"You broke the bonds
And you loosed the chains
Carried the cross
And all my shame
All my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for..."
I believe it. That doesn't quaver. And the admission that what we find around us is still not quite IT comforts me along the way. We are all broken and we form no perfect communities. That's a given. But it's ok to long. In fact, it's healthy to long.
Next up is U2 again singing "40". The haunting refrain becomes my prayer for Kenya.
"How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long? How long?
How long? How long... to sing this song?"
I stand in my living room with the prayer lifted up for the brokeness and pain. The verses, taken from Psalm 40, become my hope for that land.
"I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry.
He brought me right out of the pit,
Out of my miry clay.
I will sing a new song...
He set my feet upon a rock,
And made my footsteps sure
Many will see,
Many will see and fear
I will sing, sing a new song..."
There are times when I can express my prayers without assistance. Today I am grateful for the lamentations of an Irishman as they help release the things in my heart.