We Spark

We spark...

You, fire-bright

And strong

Me, muted, cool

We spark...

You, pressing, questioning

And sharp

Me, pondering, hushed

We spark...

You, eager, hungry

And impatient

Me, reflective, shy and musing

We spark...

And honestly

I don’t recognize much of me

In the lovely fiery power of you

We spark...

It’s true

And how I miss 

The gleaming flame 

The arcing light

The blazing ray


How I miss

The kindled current

White and hot

Between us two


-lisa, 4 September 2013

 

Engaged...

Best news of the year?  Trevor asked Karly to marry him :)  She said yes, and our whole family is smitten...     (Above, the two of them in Loita last year.)

Back at Karly's for a little surprise party after the ask...

On their way to Tanzania in 2012...

I forget whose wedding this was...

At Sam and Susie Eldredge's wedding...

(See S&S in back left?)

                                           At Jesse and Annie's wedding :)

We are SO happy.  You did good, Trevs.  As Heather would say, "Proud of ya, Joosh."  Indeed...  :)

                                                                                   

Life Breath

I thought the years had stripped too much away
that i would never gather that which had been
so casually scattered

It was my fault, I know
packing as if we could take what mattered
along with us

As if...

It was so long ago, that initial parting
and the flood of time
washed so much away

I missed the marker days
the seemingly small but, in actuality,
momentous occasions

You don't get those back, you know
they don't return to you
ever

But then, in just these last weeks
these un-trumpeted
unassuming days

There has been a feasting
every dear face before me
shining

Inhaling slowly
pulling each fragrance
as close to my heart as possible

I breathed your company
all of you, the greatest of
my loves

And now
from across so many miles
these memories enrich my blood

-lisa, 7 June 2013

Dancing with Jesse

I was recently asked to write about some transformational events in my life.  This was the third one that came to mind, but my favorite to relate...

     The third event took place on a dance floor last December.  It had been the most beautiful ceremony as our son, Jesse, exchanged vows with dear, lovely Annie under a spreading oak in an open meadow.  Now the celebration had moved indoors and it was time for the groom to dance with his mama.  It wasn’t required, but we had decided to do it.  I don’t know why, really, because I’m hopeless at being led.  I dance alone.  I dance in my bedroom and at the stove as I wait for the kettle to boil.  I don’t dance with a partner in public.  

     We had decided to go for it even though there was no time to practice; no time for me to unlearn the stepping on his feet I was sure to do.  As we faced each other, holding hands and waiting for the music to begin, I smiled into his sweet, young face and asked, “So, what are we going to do?”  “We’re gonna go crazy,” he grinned.  

     The first notes of Queen’s Crazy Little Thing Called Love began, (a song I had chosen, for goodness sake!) and we did exactly that.  We went crazy.  We danced all over that floor and we had an absolute riot.  The crowd was wildly enthusiastic for us.  I danced with abandon and the utter joy of celebrating Jesse and Annie’s love.  When I came off the floor, a close, long-time friend said, “How have I never known you had that in you??”  I laughed and looked over at my folks, “Don’t worry,” I confided, “My parents didn’t know it either.”  

     I was transformed through that dance by the sheer delight I sensed from God as I cut loose and celebrated all that is good about love and marriage.  Completely at ease in my own skin, I experienced the pleasure of being myself.  I was transformed by the assurance that God enjoys a good party—and so very thankful I don’t have to be a Puritan.

(Photo by Jessica Taylor at 37 Degrees )

December 9th

And I would like to think that I can capture that day
the cold bright air
steeped in light
sparkling

We had worked hard, and played some
grilled, feasted
thrown our weight into it
and laughed

(How we laughed)

The empty meadow under heavy oak
spread her lacy welcome
freshly green and
magnificently tender

And while we could not add to her beauty
we brought small gifts
fresh flowers and our own
bonny faces

But more than that
we brought our love
to surround, yes, embrace
to stand with you

The meadow said--
"This is the place!"

You declared--
"She is my love!"

Radiant, she confessed--
"As he is mine."

And then, most truly
it was time
to dance

Love is better
than all else
and yours is deep and fine
and true

And I was unspeakably proud
of all that was there
the simple and most perfect beauty
the host of most remarkable friends

We danced our joy
Danced our blessing
Danced our wordless, whirling
Wonder

Your lives together from now on--
This, O this,
yes this, is simply
Hallelujah


-lisa, 21 January 2013

Jesse and Annie :)

Jesse and Annie were married on Sunday, December 9th.  It was an incredible weekend.  I'm not sure when my heart will catch up, or maybe slow down, or be able to express herself.

In the mean time, Annie's brother (in law) has captured it well over on his photography blog.  I love his photos and his words about our time together.

Follow this link to Enjoy the celebrations...

A Beautiful Blur

I was looking at my calendar a few short weeks ago and the weekends before me lined up like this:

Oct 19-21 With 24-7Prayer family in Germany, speaking, teaching, enjoying
Oct 27-28 Visit Heather at boarding school in Kenya
Nov 3 Belated 50th Birthday Party with 30 friends at our house (in Tanzania) for me (with departure for US on 5th)
Nov 9-10 Parents Weekend at Westmont (in California) with Colin, not to mention Jesse, Annie, Trevor and Karly  (Then squeeze in a couple days in Seattle with my sister and a dinner with missions folks at CCF over 12-14th)
Nov 16 Speak at Santa Barbara Community Church's Story Night, then travel to Bay Area on 17th to meet Annie's parents for the first time :)
Nov 23 (still feeling fat and happy from first Thanksgiving in US in 7 years) Byron and Heather arrive in California the day after his birthday and five days before Trevor's bday
Dec 1 Amid much final prep work toward the 9th, Trevor has a gig in SB. Hurray! AND Heather will be 14 on the 4th :)
Dec 9 JESSE AND ANNIE GET MARRIED!

Like I said, it's a beautiful blur.

I am blessed.  Yes, blessed.  So blessed.

Through the Night

And maybe now
with the space of days
i can whisper
that parting hurt

That night
when they left
and you realized
you wouldn't see them

Your tears
scalded little streaks
down your face
and didn't stop soon

It was late
and they still needed
to come
so we welcomed them

In the dark
we climbed under
our mosquito net
and huddled together

The four of us
with your quiet sobs
The only thing I knew to do
was sing

I sang the old songs
the ones that lulled
my babies
to sleep

I sang
shaking voice
shaking heart
shaking sobs

Your brother slipped out
and you slept

You found me
in the morning
curled at the foot
of my own bed

Rather than wake you
I let you be
and found a place
where there was room

You felt so bad
And I thought, "Really?
You think it bothered me,
that flickering sleep?"

Rest is relative
and on that night
there were bigger needs
to be met

We unpacked your things
at boarding school
just a few days
later

And it was hard
But, honestly,
it was easier for the way
we passed that night

-lisa, 11 September, 2012

As You Go

It rained last night
unseasonal, but perfectly suited
a quiet, constant drizzle
like a mourning

A mourning last night
expected, but patently difficult
a grey grief misting
like a rain

And I may worry as you go
so many little things
when trying to feel
at home

So many big things
rising in a heart
very far from
what it knows

But I don't worry
about you
who you are or
who you will become

You live well
and shine
soft, clear
strong

We send you
in amazement
in confidence
and with tears

A joy last night
sure, if understandably muted
a calm, constant knowing
like all that is good

-lisa, 20 August, 2012

Music Discussion

(A conversation with Heather, who is 13, over lunch, which was good.)

Heather: (From out of the clear blue.) I don't like Bob Dylan. I'm just gonna say it.
Me: (Conceding.) There's a lot there not to like-his voice for starters.
Heather: (Relieved and empowered.)  Exactly! I don't understand how he got so famous with such a bad voice.
Me: Well, it was the time in history and what he was saying. It was his values and his music style. It wasn't necessarily about his voice. (Referencing a certain scene in 'School of Rock', I go on.)  He was singing against, you know, "the man," and against war and politics and the status quo.

Heather: (Understanding the reference.) But still! His voice is terrible.
Me: (Countering.) Well, he hits his notes.
Heather: (After a brief pause.) I don't think he hits his notes! It's like...(She makes a noise I don't know how to reproduce.)
Me: (After a brief pause, challenging.) What about Bon Iver's voice?
Heather: Bon Iver has a nice voice! Have you heard it? It's probably all affected by computer on his albums but his normal voice is nice. But I like his affected voice. It's not natural.
Me: (A little confused.)  Hhmmmm...

Still Life

A long quiet month.
Not for lack of things to ponder.  For an excess of things, actually.
An excess of big, chunky things that just needed hush.

When I was a girl, I loved to stand in the pulling tide.
First the water rushed-- pushing, pushing.
Suddenly, it could push no more.

There, at its height, everything went still for the skinniest slice of a very slim second.

With the reversal, my bare feet were unable to hold their ground.
Upright, yes.  But the ground beneath me ripped away, leaving little hollows in the places where my feet fell.

There are two departures coming up.
Certain as ebb and flood, I am unable to cause them not to happen.

Perhaps this last month has been lived in that shaving of time when water can neither advance nor fall away.

(I suppose that would be why I've found myself unable to speak or move.)

-lisa, 31 July, 2012

What We Do (a mommy tale)

If your daughter brings you a baby bird and hopes that you'll help her figure out what to feed it, and if the baby is cute and feathery and rather desperate looking, and if, all day, you try different things and it never will eat but finally, at nightfall, you realize that what it really needs is a mom to eat a worm and partially digest it and then throw it up into the baby's mouth, and this gives you an idea so you get a very fat grub from the garden and you smash it in the old brass mortar and pestle that was your mother's and then you suck the grub juice up in an eye dropper and find that the baby will now very happily open it's mouth for this delicacy--Well, I just want to warn you that you need to cover the top of the mortar with something while you're doing the smashing or else you might get grub juice on your face.  I'm just sayin...

Ready. Set. Engaged!

Jesse and Annie became engaged on May 21st :-) We're so very happy with them!  This sweet turn of events has prompted a few of my friends to ask me how I'm doing and if I was ready for this important FIRST in our lives. I find myself wondering, "What's ready?"  Was I expecting it? Yes.  I mean, I've been expecting it for quite some time and I actually had to work on not expecting it! Every time I thought I had it figured out, I didn't.

But, ready... What would that look like?

Saudade

When I say
I miss you

I do not
speak lightly

There have been
a hundred goodbyes

Perhaps
a thousand

I have boarded
a million planes

Or stood at
security gates

And waved
a billion waves

And then
I have

Moved
on

There is no moving on
from you

You are
here

Roots wound
firmly

Through
my heart

-lisa, 18 March, 2012

Moonset

We rose as the moon was setting
waning gibbous
sleepy-headed moon

We watched it
hesitating there
above the dark line of trees

Then we turned east

Roll on to bed, then
wake up the day

I thought of you
Moon Boy

This lovely lunar light
may it rise softly
over you

Remembrance

I lit a candle today
not in a church

I lit a candle today
on the shelf in my hall

to say
I remember

I remember that
you were due today

25 years ago
you were due

I wasn't trying to be
morbid

I lit a candle today
spontaneously

because it felt right
to think of you

we made it ten weeks
the two of us

and then you were gone

I lit a candle today
because you're somewhere

and you're holding
a little piece of my heart

-lisa, 14 November, 2011

Self-Pity

Yesterday I bought something for Jesse's Christmas stocking.
I pictured his pleasure and smiled to myself.

Only later did it occur to me that Jesse won't actually be home with us on Christmas Morning.

True confession: the tea tray before me suddenly grew significantly blurry.

Silly me. Twenty-three consecutive Christmases in our house PLUS he has good reason to be away this time!

Do I really dare to be anything but thankful?

Oh, my... All these opportunities for me to keep growing up.

Close (a poem)

When you were small
and something was amiss
I would hold you

Sweet salty smell
the top of your warm head
tucked neatly under my chin

You might remain there
only minutes before
the world settled again

(and off you'd go)

Tonight you're too far away
and too grown up
to wander in, pad-foot clad in jammies

But you walk into my thoughts
and wake me
just the same

In the quiet after
a welcome rain
I open my eyes and pray

This is how
I hold you
now

-lisa, 1 October, 2011

a few of you, so far away

if i could choose
i would not be this far
from you

the way your eyes light
and your laugh
spills out

there are days
when it makes sense
some how

the long flights
the enormous cost
the loss

i'm afraid, though, that
today is not among
those days

These are the Days as They Unfold

I find it a wee bit alarming if many days go by and
In them I never feel an urge to write.
I look at myself and wonder if I'm ok.

(Maybe I need to take my temperature.)

It's not that I'm a great writer.
But I am a writer, after all.

(And maybe before all. I don't know.)

So let me just tell you this--
The days have been weighted with a
Still humidity that is not my favorite.

And yet I have no good reason to complain.

I saw the Variable Sunbird,
Sleek and flirtatious in his bold/shy approach.
He comes so close and I, I just hold my breath.

I watched as all the greens outdid themselves,
Shimmering so in morning sun,
And smiled at sleepy dogs collapsed handsomely at my feet.

I answered mails and did chores
That had long fussed at me (tisk tisk)
From inbox and carefully ignored corners.

And last night I held my daughter's hand
As she fevered in her restless sleep.
Of all my work, it seemed the simplest and greatest to be done.